A personal thanksgiving

I have chosen to take much of my personal opinion and thoughts out of this blog. I hope that today you will understand if I take a few moments to work out my feelings in writing, in writing to you. Sometimes it really is the best medicine.

Thanksgiving. What does it really mean to me? This holiday has been a hard one for me.

I find myself feeling like I used to, reacting like I used to, and the pride seeps back in. Can I just say I hate that version of myself. But my heart aches. Not an excuse, just truth. My heart aches for me and my pain. Extremely selfish I am aware. The selfishness I hate in myself. I still mourn for the loss in me.

After the initial sadness, I turn into The Prodical Son's older brother. Angry and jealous of the embrace My Father has with my brother. "I have done all the work! Where is my party!" It is in this stage where I forget my blessings. I get hung up here, full of anger and resentment.

There is some lesson to learn right? Where is it? What am I missing? I really thought I moved on, lesson learned and all. But there is more! Really! It is infuriating to feel like the pain and trials never have an end.

Then sometimes I am lucky to have someone or something get through that hard shell of emotion.

This thanksgiving it was my husband, my beautiful, loving, honest, unwavering husband. He boldly,through my tears, reminded me that I have much to be thankful for. He told me that him and I were enough. No additions necessary. I was enough for him to feel blessed. Our love and our covenant to love for eternity is enough for him. Enough for him to let go of his pride and his losses to focus on us. It really was an extraordinarily honest and beautiful conversation.

I finally see how lucky I am. Lucky to be married to the best of men. One who lets me be absurd and listens while I rant, then comes to me with love and honesty and heals a little piece of the sadness and inadequacy. I am fortunate to be bound to him by covenant throughout eternity. To know that I will live with him forever, even beyond death. That children or not I am enough for him. That kind of love never dies.

This reminded me of the love my Heavely Father has for me, unwavering like my husbands. All encompassing. He even loves me when I blame him for being barren. He comes to me in these moments. He reminds me of his all encompassing love and tells me to wait just a little longer. He has so much in store for me. I am not ready yet. I know it and He knows it.

My personal relationship with Him is untied to any other. My faith in him is not contingent on my blessings. It doesn't work that way. Faith and then blessings. He is teaching me this now. That to truly be close to Him as my father I have to let go and trust. I am just so scared in the end I will have let go of control and no blessings will follow. I will be left with nothing. Empty hands and a broken heart. But just as our marriage is enough for my husband, my obedience and faith is enough for God. I have to let it be enough for me too.

Thank you for letting me share. For letting me share a piece of myself without judgement.

I really am thankful.